Things have been pretty quiet here…

I sewed a couple more Star Trek shirts, but for the most part haven’t been doing much. My kitty was sick for the past month sadly. I want to take a moment to talk about her, because while this is a sewing blog, it’s also my personal blog and I want to commemorate her. I will warn you there is talk about depression and suicide in this entry.

In 2000, I was living with my sister and my nephew in my first year of university. The year had just ended and our neighbor’s mom came by with a litter of the most adorable kittens. All different colours and really different from their mom. They all had a mix of white and another colour and long fluffy fur. I held each one. But one little grey and white fluffy ball wasn’t happy with being put down again and crawled up my leg and fell asleep to me petting her. I was in love. I was so lucky that my sister let me take her in. I think Sarah understood how much I needed her.

My first two years of university were the hardest time of my life. I started off the year in residence on campus. I was emotionally unstable, depressed, and suicidal. In November, I attempted suicide and was kicked out of residence. I am so thankful to Sarah for taking me in without question.

My second year of university was a mix of things. I was in group therapy, individual therapy, still continuing my classes, and living with a roommate that grew to hate me over the year. We were incompatible and by the end of the year I left in the middle of the night when she became threatening. We were both going through tough stuff that year and I’ve let go of my bitter feelings and realized my part in the situation. It’s easier to forgive than to hold on to anger.

At some point during the year after getting Trinity, I decided to fight to live. There’s something amazing about having a little soul rely on you completely that can change your perspective on life. I consider Trinity the catalyst for my survival, but I know it was my strength that helped me want to live. I moved in with my parents for my third year of university and did a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy worksheets to help change my thoughts about myself. I used to have Hilroy spiral notebooks filled with my thoughts written out to help me when I wanted to hurt myself. I would write the negative thought and then on the opposite page rewrite it for positive thinking. At first, it was hard and then it got easier and eventually I didn’t need the notebooks and I did it automatically in my head. These days the positive thoughts come first 90% of the time and when they don’t I can catch the negative thoughts and deal with them. I haven’t hurt myself in 14 years and I haven’t had suicidal thoughts in around 13. I’ve grown to love myself.

Trinity was my comfort the entire time. She was always attached at the hip to me. She’d come running and great me at the door when I came home. Stayed close to me wherever I was in thw house. When I was sick, she was under my covers cuddling me and purring me to help heal me.

She was also impossible as cats can be…as humans are. She destroyed a bunch of couches and chairs.

But of course, she left her scratch pad untouched:

She wasn’t the smartest cat and certainly didn’t treat everyone like she did me. We moved around a lot in Canada: Ontario, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland. The move back to Ontario when she was 9 was the toughest one on her and she was pretty jealous of my husband for taking the attention from her. She was a dirtbag, but she would still cuddle me and purr and follow me around.

I loved her unconditionally and completely and could never thank her enough for being my first excuse to live. I had convinced myself my family was better off without me but Trinity wouldn’t be. She needed me. She was there during my entire adult life.

She died in my arms last night in our home aided by a wonderful mobile vet. It’s difficult to let go and say goodbye. She isn’t suffering anymore.

Pet loss is a tough thing. It’s difficult and painful. I will be seeing her in the corner of my eye for years to come and hearing her little bell. It will be tough for a while.

Thank you, Trinity. I love you.

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